I'm Smarter than a Fifth Grader!!!!

I PASSED THE FLORIDA TEACHER CERTIFICATION EXAM!

I have been stressing out about the results for 30 days!!! So paranoid that I would have to re-take the exams a few days before delivering Andrew in order to continue with my planned courses in January. Apparently I'm not nearly as math retarded as I claim to be. I do have to give major props to my husband for tutoring me in preparation!



The good news could not have come at a better time. I needed a boost after my terrible health scare. Yesterday as I was reading an email at work I noticed that the letters were becoming jumbled and that I'd lost my peripheral vision on the right side making it impossible to even see complete words. It was frightening to say the least. I left a panicked message on Keith's office voicemail in tears saying "I know this sounds crazy, I feel a little crazy saying it, but I cannot read!" I tried to explain the symptoms I was suffering and then called the OB in a panic explaining what I was experiencing, headache, blurred vision, loss of peripheral vision on the right and I literally could not read words, letters were missing and jumbled. It took a nurse practitioner at the OB's office 97 minutes to call me back, and she seemed less than concerned, telling me "maybe its a detached retina, you should just go straight to the ER." By this late in the game I had regained my vision and was only left with a pounding headache. I tried to explain this to her, but she wasn't hearing it, I felt as if she was just going through the motions, passing the buck and making me someone Else's problematic, over dramatic, pregnant lady patient.



I reiterated that, again, I was pretty convinced that this was a serious migraine, given the obvious photo phobia and pain... She seemed bored with my response and repeated, "listen, that's all I can do for you, either go to the ER or don't." At this point I was ready to drive over to that office detach HER retinas with my exhaust pipe. Is it sooooo hard to bring me into the office and check my BP and other vitals before you exile me to the ER?? This lady must be on the Bush bandwagon. I immediately thought of that BONEHEAD speech he gave July of last year in Cleveland wherein he proved once again that he's the biggest retard to ever lead our great country by stating, “The immediate goal is to make sure there are more people on private insurance plans. I mean, people have access to health care in America. After all, you just go to an emergency room.” ---- EXAAAAAAACTLY. Let me just go the the ER and sit with 47 other "sick" people with broken noses, flu-like symptoms, or exhausted first time (delirious) mothers cradling screaming babies that haven't pooped for 5 days, because none of them have insurance (but at least they have access to the ER and subsequently a $4,000 bill they'll never pay!!!) or better yet their Doctor doesn't feel like dealing with them and says, go straight to the ER... Yeah, that's right, send me to the ER for 4 hours while I possibly go blind with a "suspected" detached retina and end up with a $300 co-pay (since health insurance these days SUCKS!!!) only to find out that I'm suffering from a super duper bad migraine.



Needless to say, I went home, took a Tylenol and a nap, visited the massage therapist and called it a day. Definitely a lot cheaper and a lot less stressful than sitting in the ER all afternoon. I mean, if the retina is detached I'm screwed anyway so I might as well enjoy a nice massage while I go blind.



So all in all I lost the battle, but I won the war. I healed in time to watch Isabelle drive in circles for 2 hours in her hot pink Barbie Jeep, found out that I'm smarter than a fifth grader (I'm sure that the bar is set somewhere in that range for the teacher's exam) and I'm off to a fantastic start with a 3.9 GPA following the first three classes I completed and I have a goal of graduating with every Latin honor in existence. Oh, and I never went blind. Further proof that I am smarter than the nurse practitioner and I would even go as far as to say that I am absolutely positive that I am smarter than our president, but that's not really saying much.

Coming unglued.

That is the theme for the next few months. As a whole, my family is coming unglued. My once vast vocabulary has taken a sabbatical. I cannot put together a sentence to save my life. All story telling on my behalf is boring, drawn out and has become a total snore fest as I struggle to recall names, places, dates and key information of the point I am attempting to make. My ability to multi-task has disappeared and my family is suffering for it. In the past two days I have managed to single handedly disrupt or destroy EVERYTHING that I touch. On Sunday night I took ribs out of the freezer for dinner (per Keith's request) to defrost for Monday's dinner. When I woke up Monday morning to prepare the ribs they were MISSING!! Oddly enough they'd been replaced by a roast (which happens to be Keith's least favorite food in the world.) Oops. I'd removed the wrong item from the freezer. Still haven't quite figured out how I missed THE BIG RED TAG THAT SAID *POT ROAST*!!! Idiot. This morning I was all ready to leave the house and realized that I didn't have my keys, that I'd left them in Keith's car and he had to double back on his way to the office and bring them to me. Upon his return I realized I had a spare set of car and house keys in the junk drawer... And to top it all off, while I was trying to get Isabelle dressed for the day she threw a fit because she could not see the t.v. as I kissed and hugged her, so she pulled away and said, "Stop, I don't love you anymore mommy!" I don't think I have felt so hurt in my entire life. Its one thing to be dumped by a boyfriend or called names by a snotty high school friend, but when your very own precious two year old tells you they don't love you anymore??? I have lost my reason for existing in this world. My heart literally/physically ached in that moment. Of course I thought Keith was going to explode with laughter because two days prior Isabelle told him the exact same thing and when he pouted while explaining what happened I laughed at him, not fully understanding how badly it hurts to actually suffer through the experience. The only thing that came to mind upon hearing Isabelle tell me that she doesn't love me anymore was to tell her, "Well, I love you no matter what." I don't think she heard me though, I cried after she left. I'm sure its all hormonal, I'm trying not to let it get to me. It won't be the last time I hear it, but it probably won't hurt as bad when she is 15 and says it to me upon being grounded for stealing my car at 2am with a backseat full of minors and a trunk full of beer and stolen stop signs. (Which, I am fully prepared to deal with... been there done that!)

Well, at least I have a few good years before Andrew can speak up. Here are some wonderful 3d/4d ultrasound pics we got yesterday!! He has chipmunk cheeks, Keith's pouty lips and it looks like his is going to be much bigger than Isabelle. Yikes!!

PERSONAL GROWTH

26 WEEKS 30 WEEKS




26 WEEKS 30 WEEKS



Visited the OB yesterday! Placed my order to receive a baby on October 19, 2008. Also, stepped on the scale! Gained another pound. Grand total is 9.5!! Hopefully I can stay on track. According to the pregnancy calculator at Mayoclinic.com a healthy gain would be:

Maternal:
Uterus................... 1.33 lbs.
Breasts.................. 0.55 lbs.
Blood ......................1.71 lbs.
Water ......................2.3 lbs.
Fat .........................4.59 lbs.

Subtotal ...............10.48 lbs.


Fetal:
Fetus ........................7.5 lbs.
Placenta ................0.89 lbs.
Amniotic Fluid ......1.09 lbs.
Subtotal .................9.48 lbs.

Total .....................19.96 lbs.



That's laughable, as if two behemoths like Keith and myself could possibly produce a baby that weighs only 7.5 lbs. Yeah Right. Andrew has been measuring 3 weeks bigger than the "average" baby since mitosis occurred. Jesus. I'm bound to have at least a 9 pound baby this time, and that is being conservative. So go ahead and place your bets.

Speaking of growing. As a throwback to my earlier blog... it seems like everyone has something to say about how big I am getting... a couple days after I posted the blog about my increasing size some Joe blow in Books-a-Million breezed by me in the "Personal Growth" isle and points at my belly and says, "well you're definitely in the right place, yuk, yuk, yuk." So I pointed at his beer belly hanging over his shorts and said, "you too!"



Yesterday was a rough day. I had contractions all day long, stayed at the office anyway and worked through it. Isabelle decided not to take a nap all day, so when everyone got home we just lounged on the couch and cuddled.

I'm ready for my handicap parking pass now please.

I've been bragging for 7 months, despite the initial onset of 1st trimester sickness, that this pregnancy has been relatively easy. I've gained a nominal amount of weight, making life in general much easier. I can sleep on my side, I can even lay on my stomach at the massage therapist's office with the special pillows, I can actually still see my feet, and I have been able to maintain a pretty normal play life with Isabelle, sitting down with her, carrying her, cuddling with her... I keep telling people "I'm pregnant, not crippled" "let me do it, I'm fine" "I'm not an invalid, I can wash my own car and mow the lawn!" I've been preaching about staying positive and keeping complaints to a minimum.



I take it all back. I am now disabled, crippled, an invalid. I have come to the reality that I am now pretty much incapable of getting off of the couch without assistance. I can't get off the ground from a sitting position holding Isabelle, I am now sliding into the drivers seat of my car with the aid of the steering wheel as a pulley...and I am exhausted after climbing the stairs to the office 4 times a day. It hit me like a ton of bricks last night, that I have officially arrived at the "hard part" where I get temporarily depressed a few times a week and can't fake a smile. Its an uncomfortable feeling for me to not be able to do things independently and easily and quickly. At this point if I do what I am told and gain 1 lbs a week I will have gained another 10 lbs by mid October. I'm already a cripple with only 8.5 lbs,Well... I'm ready for the epidural RIGHT NOW. I've spent the past couple weeks debating whether or not to induce reading up on all of the medical mysteries and theories for causes of autism and other birth and long-term effects that could possibly be associated to induction of birth vs. how natural birth occurs for a reason. I've considered all the hormonal occurrences that take place and all the mumbo jumbo that Douala's and tree hugging hippies preach about... I almost convinced myself to wait and let nature take its course. Well, not anymore, I'm going in to the Dr.'s office today and letting them know that I am ready to schedule this birth at 39 weeks. Set it up people, I'm not the waiting type, get this kid out of me now, and where can I sign up for a handicap parking pass? - cause the 2 lousy maternity spots at the mall are always full when I get there and Publix and Walmart have lots the size of Lake Michigan. I need a break.

ugh.

Drove up to Timbuktu this morning for our 3/4d ultrasound. Despite my drinking a large coffee with 7 sugars Andrew slept comfortably, doing a face plant in the placenta leaving no amniotic fluid around his face to get a good view. He also had his hand covering what little portion of his face was exposed, leaving us with a lovely shot of his 5 adorable fingers and what looks like a carbon copy of Isabelle's cute button nose. We rescheduled for Monday afternoon and I have every intention of eating donuts, pixie sticks, and Jolt for lunch in preparation. This child WILL cooperate. Looks like he is already exhibiting his affinity for the Smith side, uncooperative and stubborn.

So get out your crystals, mirrored balls, wind chimes, and do your chants or get out your bibles and pray, cleanse your Chi and become one with your Chakra... Do whatever you need to do, lets get this kid's energy focused for Monday afternoon so that Keith and I can stop wondering and see this beautiful child's face!!!

Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia." --David Letterman

Does anyone else out there feel like they are watching Cotton Hill run for president?? You be the judge.

NAME: Cotton Hill (of Fox Channel's "King of the Hill")
OCCUPATION: retired war hero
PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENT: Received Purple Heart for having his shins blown off.
GREATEST DISAPPOINTMENT: Hank Hill

FAVORITE PASTIME: Stopping by the wax museum to give FDR the finger

QUOTE: "I don't take no anesthetic. Did Lincoln ask for any girlie gas when they blowed his head off?"

NAME: John McCain
OCCUPATION: retired war hero/Senator/Runner-up in the 2008 Presidential Election!!
PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENT: Recently offering up his wife -a potential first lady (well not really because he’s going to lose the race) to enter the annual Sturgis beauty contest, one in which full nudity is practically a requirement... he told her "with a little luck she could be the first and only lady to serve as first lady and Miss Buffalo Chip"
GREATEST DISAPPOINTMENT: Losing the 2008 Presidential Race.
FAVORITE PASTIME: Singing - as he does so well, like here in this clip where he so eloquently butchers a Beach Boys song...



QUOTES:

"We have a lot of work to do. It's a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border." –REFERRING TO A BORDER THAT DOES NOT EXIST!!!, ABC News interview, July 21, 2008

"I'm running for president of the United States, because I want to help with family values. And I think that family values are important, when we have two parent -- families that are of parents that are the traditional family." --interview on "This Week," July 27, 2008 (ummmm.... I guess divorced parents, lesbian and gay parents, and widows/widowers don’t count???)

"The fact is we had four years of failed policy. We were losing. We were losing the war in Iraq. The consequences of failure and defeat of the United States of America in the first major conflict since 9/11 would have had devastating impacts throughout the region and the world." –FORGETTING THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN, WHICH WAS LAUNCHED IN OCTOBER 2001!!!!, CBS News interview, July 21, 2008

"I'm glad to have his endorsement. I condemn remarks that are, in any way, viewed as anti-anything. And thanks for asking." --after being asked by George Stephanopoulos about receiving the endorsement of Evangelical pastor Rev. John Hagee, WHO HAS MADE A NUMBER OF CONTROVERSIAL REMARKS, INCLUDING CALLING CATHOLICISM "The Great Whore" AND BLAMING HURRICANE KATRINA ON GAY PEOPLE- and I quote, "God caused Hurricane Katrina to wipe out New Orleans because it had a gay pride parade the week before and was filled with sexual sin....All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that." WELL THAT IS CERTAINLY THE KIND OF ASSHOLE I WOULD WANT ENDORSING MY PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!!!

HERE IS HOW I REALLY FEEL...

John McCain has been and always will be a total failure. He is not qualified to be our President. Yes, he did graduate from the Naval Academy - but did you know that he graduated at 894 out of 899 students - THE BOTTOM FIVE OF HIS CLASS!!! He then goes into the Air Force and secures a coveted position as a fighter pilot as a direct result of his high ranking family members...just like President Bush - nepotism... Isn’t it a wonderful thing? John McCain goes on to crash 5 planes in his "decorated" career - but no one ever talks about that because he’s a "waaaaaaaar hero." He also spent 26 years in Washington, and what does he have to show for it? He certainly wouldn’t want to brag about the fact that he has supported all of FAILED policies of this Bush administration. The guy is 71 years old, and at the risk of repeating myself - he has spent the past two decades preparing to run in a presidential election and didn’t bother to brush up on his economic policies...he openly admits that he is "not good in economic issues"... and that he is reading Greenspan’s book. Do we really need another idiot in office who is a self proclaimed math reject?? Look up "flip flop" at Wikipedia and John McCain will be right there next to the icon of your garden variety summer shoe. His advisers explain away his recent flop on offshore drilling as a direct result of "an energy crisis." Energy my ass - more like a deficit in his back pocket. Following his FLOP the campaign contributions from "BIG OIL" beefed up his billfold to the tune of $1.1 million last month alone - three quarters of which came after his 6/16/08 speech calling for an end to the ban. This is a huge increase compared to the pathetic $116,000 in March, $283,000 in April and $208,000 in May!!! What it boils down to is this: he made $882,000 in just over three months prior to the flop and $825,000 in just two weeks post-flop... You do the math.

ITS TIME FOR A CHANGE, NOT SOMEONE WHO CANNOT EVEN COUNT CHANGE.

VOTE OBAMA IN 2008... NOT EXXONMCCAIN in 2008.