This is the part of the pregnancy where I begin to develop intense envious feelings for the seahorse. I know its the not seahorses fault, but I'm pretty angry just the same. While I carry this child for TEN MONTHS, come on, lets be honest here, whoever tried to convince the female population that we are only pregnant for 9 months must think that we are total idiots.
But I digress...
I carry this child for 10 months while the seahorse (the MALE seahorse BY THE WAY - yet another reason to INTENSELY HATE the seahorse...) Has his pouch filled with eggs via the female, attaches himself to a branch and just chills there for A FEW WEEKS, a few meaning 2-4 weeks. I know I can't really complain as much as the elephant mommies out there, as they carry that beast of a child for 18 months, but whatever, I want to be a seahorse today. Did I mention that the male seahorse regains his "pre-pregnancy" svelte shape in less than an hour following the release of the last baby??? I would give anything to leave the hospital in any one of my beautiful size 8 Ann Taylor pant-suits or party dresses that have been hiding in piles of vacuum sealed bags since I found out I was pregnant with ISABELLE!!!! Even a panda would be cool. Who cares how long that gestation period lasts... as long as I give birth to something the size of a stick of butter I would be fine carrying my babies for 4 years.
Such is life...
But I am not a panda, nor a seahorse, and as such, at 35 weeks my feet swell to the size of an eye of round roast by 10 am every day. I swear that lady at Dunkin Donuts is pouring salt into my coffee every morning, because I have taken major precautions to avoid sodium in an attempt to make it all the way to labor and delivery wearing my wedding band and engagement ring this time around. They still fit, unlike last pregnancy, where I had them on a chain around my neck by 30 weeks. And for the record, I've only gained 14 lbs so far!!! Not too shabby for a lady who swelled over 60 lbs with the last baby!!!
I swear to you Andrew is already IN THE BIRTH CANAL. He is so low that (as nature intends) he is causing my pelvic bone to spread apart resulting in the most INTENSE painful shock-like sensations to jolt through my pelvic and nether-region. I can only assume that this is what it must feel like when a dude gets kicked in the junk...if you catch my drift. Words just cannot describe this constant, unrelenting pain I suffer through each and every time I stand, sit, roll over or get out of bed. Speaking of bed - it now takes me a good 17 seconds to roll myself to the edge and scoot my legs to the ground. I am so disabled at this point I need ADA compliant rails installed next to my toilet and in the shower just to get up and down. I'm just days away from trusting Keith to shave my legs for me. And to that end, I'm lucky just to make it to the bathroom in a timely fashion in the middle of the night, given the whole getting out of bed fiasco added to the minefield of dogs randomly sleeping all over the floor. I have lost count of how many times I've tripped over a sleeping dog, not so much due to the darkness of the night, but simply because I cannot see past my belly. So if you can picture it, I'm scooting out of bed, doing the "sting ray shuffle" (for those Floridians who know what I'm talking about) trying to avoid certain death after falling over a dog, and in the 30 some seconds it has taken me to get erect and waddle to the bathroom, the baby has settled onto my bladder and I practically pee myself before I can actually get my legs to fold in order to sit on the toilet. fun times.
Seriously, where is that damn wheelchair hang tag for my car?? I've got a list of things I need now...the parking tag, ADA compliant rails, a bed pan would be good or we can just take a trip to Walmart - get myself a package of those AWESOME diapers for adults and call it a day.
Is it October yet? Where's my epidural already? I wish I was a seahorse.
But I digress...
I carry this child for 10 months while the seahorse (the MALE seahorse BY THE WAY - yet another reason to INTENSELY HATE the seahorse...) Has his pouch filled with eggs via the female, attaches himself to a branch and just chills there for A FEW WEEKS, a few meaning 2-4 weeks. I know I can't really complain as much as the elephant mommies out there, as they carry that beast of a child for 18 months, but whatever, I want to be a seahorse today. Did I mention that the male seahorse regains his "pre-pregnancy" svelte shape in less than an hour following the release of the last baby??? I would give anything to leave the hospital in any one of my beautiful size 8 Ann Taylor pant-suits or party dresses that have been hiding in piles of vacuum sealed bags since I found out I was pregnant with ISABELLE!!!! Even a panda would be cool. Who cares how long that gestation period lasts... as long as I give birth to something the size of a stick of butter I would be fine carrying my babies for 4 years.
Such is life...
But I am not a panda, nor a seahorse, and as such, at 35 weeks my feet swell to the size of an eye of round roast by 10 am every day. I swear that lady at Dunkin Donuts is pouring salt into my coffee every morning, because I have taken major precautions to avoid sodium in an attempt to make it all the way to labor and delivery wearing my wedding band and engagement ring this time around. They still fit, unlike last pregnancy, where I had them on a chain around my neck by 30 weeks. And for the record, I've only gained 14 lbs so far!!! Not too shabby for a lady who swelled over 60 lbs with the last baby!!!
I swear to you Andrew is already IN THE BIRTH CANAL. He is so low that (as nature intends) he is causing my pelvic bone to spread apart resulting in the most INTENSE painful shock-like sensations to jolt through my pelvic and nether-region. I can only assume that this is what it must feel like when a dude gets kicked in the junk...if you catch my drift. Words just cannot describe this constant, unrelenting pain I suffer through each and every time I stand, sit, roll over or get out of bed. Speaking of bed - it now takes me a good 17 seconds to roll myself to the edge and scoot my legs to the ground. I am so disabled at this point I need ADA compliant rails installed next to my toilet and in the shower just to get up and down. I'm just days away from trusting Keith to shave my legs for me. And to that end, I'm lucky just to make it to the bathroom in a timely fashion in the middle of the night, given the whole getting out of bed fiasco added to the minefield of dogs randomly sleeping all over the floor. I have lost count of how many times I've tripped over a sleeping dog, not so much due to the darkness of the night, but simply because I cannot see past my belly. So if you can picture it, I'm scooting out of bed, doing the "sting ray shuffle" (for those Floridians who know what I'm talking about) trying to avoid certain death after falling over a dog, and in the 30 some seconds it has taken me to get erect and waddle to the bathroom, the baby has settled onto my bladder and I practically pee myself before I can actually get my legs to fold in order to sit on the toilet. fun times.
Seriously, where is that damn wheelchair hang tag for my car?? I've got a list of things I need now...the parking tag, ADA compliant rails, a bed pan would be good or we can just take a trip to Walmart - get myself a package of those AWESOME diapers for adults and call it a day.
Is it October yet? Where's my epidural already? I wish I was a seahorse.
Posts
